Cherish Your Last Moments Together
I walk towards her
not yet seen
so I can sigh
it did not take long
before she began
to look like one of them
92 years old, my mom
two weeks ago in the hospital she did not look like one of them
now her gray hair brushed back institutionally flat
no make up
blank expression
slumped in her wheel chair
blank expression
breakfast crumbs on her blouse
blank expression
where is her wedding ring?
blank expression
“hi mom”
for the first time she does not recognize me
focusing her eyes
then the smile
pushing up against her cheeks
brightening her eyes
and she starts to cry
she had not seen me yesterday
where had I been?
she was worried something had happened
“mom I couldn’t see you yesterday
every day is becoming hard
and you’re not here
two weeks from the hospital
you have to get used to being here
at least until you’re stronger
maybe when you’re stronger
you can move back”
the phone rang, interrupting the lie
it was on the table next to her
she looked at it
she looked at it
the suite was three months ago
a distant dream for her
sitting in her retirement community
the illusion of independence
aides and nurses there every hour
giving her the medications
helping her use the washroom
but she could sit on her own couch
watch her own tv
in her private apartment
moving her to this nursing home
splintered her confidence
each day a little more frightened
a little more confused
a little more unable
putting her this environment has worn her down
like a glorious wooden sculpture
always out in the sun and rain and ice
daring life, living in the moment
beautiful until its creator forgets it
and no longer protects it
the sculpture ages and dries
the beautifully carved wood cracks
splintering piece by piece in the wind
until nothing is left
but the memory
the memory of her
I look at her now
she already is a memory
has been for a while
I remember my mother, sitting next to her
that is why she is in this nursing home
that is why she lives her last days in a facility
that is why we no longer have a use for her
she has not been here for months
longer
five years ago, after that surgery
she could not add her cheque book
two years ago she suddenly forgot
how to use the message system on the phone
I will never forget
driving in the rain to her retirement suite
to show her how to press the buttons
I will never forget
this will not happen to me
I will never forget
she will otherwise disappear
I try to cherish our time together
it is a challenge to cherish a cruel joke
yes I’m neurotic and worry too much
she gets worried but ten minutes later she has forgotten
and we share a joke together
I leave her smiling
then drive home in the night gripping the wheel
I have it good
most of my friends their parents are gone
at least she is still here
I can look after her
I can be her son
I can slip into childhood memories so easily with her
we enjoy those golden days
she can not remember lunch
but recalls vividly our playing in
for a few moments now we play together again
she is always the mother
but I can never again be the child
the child does not push the wheelchair
and I pretend to let her look after me
with endless questions
what I have eaten
have I had enough sleep, how is work
I let her mother me
give me advice like I should eat better
and there is some comfort in being that child again
until she asks the questions all over again
and I remember it is just pretend
but I was her child for a moment more
finally there is our time together
last times together, knowing the end is near
sitting in the same room
looking at the family photos on the wall
the blue sky through the window
knowing I can reach out and touch her hand
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