Friday, February 09, 2007

Poem: How Many Ways Do You Masturbate?

How many ways do you masturbate?
So many, I run out of fingers counting them:
having sex with someone who really loves you
proposing your brilliant ideas at a meeting
talking about giving the poor money
sending emails to friends when your short story is published
looking into the mirror as you try different comb-overs
reading Joyce when someone else is looking
taking dates to movies with subtitles
rooting for the team that is winning
telling parents about that possible promotion
owning an SUV
wearing the latest fashions
attending the best parties
going to the gym to sculpt your body

See? I’m starting to run out of toes now.
writing a poem

Victor Schwartzman

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